My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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