mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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