I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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