I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish i was in the wii world.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize