you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
