my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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