So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
