Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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