At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
