yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize