I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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