Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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