just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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