Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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