you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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