Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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