He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
