Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
