I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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