she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
