omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
