Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
