Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
