Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
