Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
