I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
