I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
