Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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