i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
