i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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