Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
