i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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