hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
