i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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