His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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