im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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