I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
