I wannas sexs uuuuu
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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