Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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