I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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