I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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