its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
