You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize