she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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