How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize