Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
