we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
