Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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