I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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