wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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