Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
