My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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