I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
