just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
