Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You need Xanax blowdarts
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
