I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
