Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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