Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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