Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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