I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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