chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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