Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
