i need an iv and a liver transplant
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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