It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize