PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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